It has been awhile since I have had a moment to sit and write what was on my mind. This topic has been weighing on my mind for the last week and I knew I needed to share some of my struggles and fears.
We all have fears. They look different for everyone and we all have different ways of dealing with them. No one will completely understand your fears and struggles. Most often we get stuck in the cycles of fear instead of moving through them. I too, am guilty of getting stuck in the fear cycles. To be honest, I have spent the majority of my “mom life” in fear. Fear of hemophilia diagnosis (even though my intuition was dead on), fear of the medication (due to the bad blood in the 80’s which greatly affected our family), fear of head bonks, bleeds and bruises. Always in fear, waiting for the next bleeding episode. The fear of not being sure that I would be able to pinpoint a bleed quick enough causing them extra pain when they were too young to communicate. The fear of having to give my boys IV infusions when I hate needles and knowing that I would become the mean mom if I instilled the same fear of needles in them. The fear of the next head bonk developing into a brain bleed. The fear of not having help when I needed it and being alone. The fear of being accused of child abuse because of the amount of bruising the boys had in their younger years. The fear of my husband working away and leaving me solely in charge of everything on top of the kids and the boys medical complexities. The fear of my husband being laid off every winter season and trying to figure out how all bills will be paid and making sure everyone’s needs are met. The fear of loosing a child because he did not get treatment fast enough or that I did not recognize the signs soon enough.
So, how does one overcome their fears? By repeatedly choosing to challenge the cycle of beliefs that the fears are telling you. It is not an easy thing to do, nor are there a set of solid steps that everyone can take to overcome their fears. I had to make a choice to live my life on my terms, to show my children that they can too. That just because they have a genetic condition, it does not define who they are or how they should be living their lives. I started asking myself what would happen if these fears became a reality. My answer was, I will figure it out and deal with it as it comes. You know what!? I did end up facing some of these fears head on (some sooner than I ever anticipated). For example, getting two severe hemophilia diagnoses. Parker experiencing his first joint bleed at 10 days old and Luca having his first bleed at 7 days old. Having to walk door to door to see if anyone was home to help me do an infusion when the boys where little and my husband was away. Asking Charlie to help hold her brothers for infusions and showing her how. Overcoming my own fear of needles and showing confidence in my abilities even when I was scared shitless of being in charge of their medical needs. Walking away to take a moment when I had failed 4 or more times, but knew I had to no choice but to try again to get their meds done. I even had to ask our Home Builder to help hold for an infusion at one point. My husband has been laid off more times that I can count, but we always made it work. We have always made it through the hard times. Yes, it took work and it was hard but it certainly has taught me to trust that we are always taken care of. Trust in my abilities to make it through, trust when the inspiration hits for a change, trust in the our body’s innate ability to heal. Trust in all that is.
The point is, you always have a choice. Choose to stand up, face your fear head on and overcome, or choose to stay within the cycle. Most importantly, celebrate the milestones when you do overcome your fears. We have celebrated EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING. I have been shown time and again that I can trust that everything will be alright. It may not always look perfect or the way I had envisioned, but we made it through. It has definitely been a huge learning curve to trust and there are even times that I still get stuck in fear. However, once I have acknowledged that I am stuck, the first question I ask myself if “what will I do if it does happen?” The answer is always, I will figure it out and find a way through.
You see, we all have our own inner demons to overcome. Some hide it well, while others you can see their struggles. This is so important to remember. We must always show love and compassion to those around us, because we will not always know if they are struggling. I internalized the majority of my fears, rarely speaking or sharing them. Maybe some people witnessed this internal struggle but more often that not I was viewed as the supermom who could take on anything. Yes, I put my brave face on everyday (and still do), because I had too.
The point is, take a look at your life and notice where fear takes the lead. Choose to re-write this story and question the fears. Show others love and support even when you do not understand or agree with their ways of living. Lift others up when they are struggling. Take control of your life and make the small choices everyday to live on the other side of fear. Lastly, celebrate all your steps and the success you create even if it isn’t perfect.
Many Blessings,
Ashley